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| Health tip of the day:
As everyone knows, it’s very important to exercise all the muscle groups in your body. Today I have excellent news for you: you can exercise by eating! The most overlooked muscles in the world are the ones that work your esophagus. Here’s a quick workout designed to maximize your esophageal potential in a minimum amount of time. Hang upside down by the monkey bars (or anything else you can hang upside down off of... in a pinch, your bed will do) with a glass of water or whisky in your hand. Remaining upside down, take a swig of your drink. For a more intensive workout, eat solid foods such as rocks or chocolate bars. | | |
| Two profound insights into foodlore.
1. If you want to know what cat food tastes like, put anchovies or sardines between two dinner crackers. The Prof has tried both anchovies and catfood and assures you they are virtually identical in taste.
2. If you decide to eat it at midnight, above all else DO NOT forget the open tin still half full of the fish and leave it out in the kitchen. If this is unavoidable, take safety precautions by removing your parents' smell organs.
In other news, the laboratory has been renovated to include the most up-to-date technology in producing viewer eye spasms. Among other changes, you may notice that we have marked the restroom more clearly (psst.. where the sign out button used to be...). Enjoy. | | |
| Prof. Jenny has announced her intention to research the effects of consuming 1/4 tsp. of paprika daily. Her guinea pigs are:
Prof Jenny
A horse
Fortunately the Prof. is very fond of paprika. Results will be announced in one to two months, or whenever she gets around to remembering her password to sign in and tell you about it.
Don't try this at home, kids. | | |
| Brief update from the Prof. I have now obtained personal access to the blog, so you may expect more frequent updates. Or not.  | | |
| .CAJUNISM
My dear disgusting readers (now, before you scalp me, that is a much better address than, say, 'nitwit,' right?). I feel it is my duty to my home state to include a bit of our culture in this column. Before you ask, no, I'm not from Hollywood. It's Louisiana, and please note that Louisiana is the true LA. Los Angeles has periods in its name, like so: L.A.
Now, what's so special about Louisiana? Well, for starters, we are the home of crawfish. Ever eat a real crawfish? If you don't live here, then you haven't. They are related to crawdads, which all of you, if you are merely cultured, have seen scuttling around in creeks. If you're sophisticated, you've had your nose pinched by one. Let me first explain how these things are cooked. You put them in salt water, alive (GO AWAY, PETA!), to purge them. Don't ask me what they're being purged of. Then, you dump them in a pot of boiling water with various spices (the eye of a newt, toe of a frog, tongue of a dog, all that good stuff). When they're done, they will not be their typical muddy brown. They'll be bright red. Duh. What color are YOU when you get out of a steaming shower?
Alright, so far so good. What happens to these crawfish? You eat 'em. Now, I don't know HOW to eat them, because I've never eaten them. Don't look at me that way. Really, would YOU eat something that looked like that? All its guts inside? And I might mention that you have to pull the legs off, too. No, I didn't think you'd eat it. But wait. Either I eat crawfish and am a true Cajun, or I don't eat crawfish and therefore know nothing about Cajun culture. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm the only civilized Cajun. See, I know everything about crawfish, but I don't eat them. Bingo. I've grasped the dilemma by the horns and thrown it to the dirt. Crash.
But I digress. Now, really, the ultimate crawfish experience is supposed to be sucking on the heads. Don't ask me who invented it. I might mention that since these crawfish are cooked whole, the antennae and pinchers and, yes, the eyeballs, are still on the head. The other good meat is the claw meat. Incidentally, I've eaten the claw meat, because it's the only part of the crawfish meat that's not near the guts or brain or whatever. You bend back the jointed part of the claw and pull it out. The meat should follow. Eat it. Oh, and the other part of the crawfish to eat is the tail. You all know what's in the tail besides the meat, so I won't go there. Oh, and to properly eat the crawfish, you have to grasp all the legs in one hand and pull them out. I've done it in a futile attempt to be an uncivilized Cajun, and for the sake of your stomachs I won't describe what happened.
Before I leave the subject of crawfish, I might mention that they are excellent for non-food purposes. They look alive, you know... and younger siblings do not know that a bright red crawfish is necessarily a dead crawfish. Ergo, you suddenly thrust it in their face. Guaranteed scream.
Let us move on to two other distinctive Cajun dishes, which I have lumped together for convenience's sake: jambalaya and gumbo. Jambalaya is interesting. It's rice, sausage, turkey, various spices, some orange coloring, and maybe some shrimp. The thing to remember about making jambalaya is that it's a competition to see who can make the spiciest jambalaya. If your jambalaya is truly spicy, then all those who dine on it will experience a similar sensation. Specifically, smoke coming out the ears. Gumbo, however, is different. It's an art. It needs to simmer all day, slowly soaking through. There's different kinds of gumbo, by the way. Seafood gumbo has those good old crawfish. Nobody pays attention to me, but I've always said the most efficient way to cook seafood gumbo is to throw the live crawfish in and let them be boiled there, instead being boiled first. Seafood gumbo also has shrimp, which are the disgusting next of kin to crawfish. Other gumbo has duck and sausage.
A word about the duck and sausage. Did you know how the duck is prepared? Well, it isn't. It's put in whole, feathers and all. I'm telling the truth, peoples. And will someone kindly get rid of PETA? They're really being a nuisance, and it's hard to talk when an entire institute is hanging on your throat. Thank you, that's much better. Anyway, the sausage. Everybody knows where sausage comes from, right? It comes from earthworms. And don't look at me like that, you knew it all along. Sausage is just a bundle of earthworms mashed together to form a cylinder. Admit it, doesn't that make sense? So, my one recommendation is that you need to make sure that your sausage is made of premium earthworms. And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes the section on gumbo and jambalaya.
But wait! I have saved the best for last! Listen closely, Eleanor and Nick especially. Listen very closely. The most favored Cajun dish, indeed, the most esteemed Southern dish, is... wait for it... Shall I tell? I think I shall. It's opossum. Stew it, bake it, fry it, whatever. I think stewed is best. Again, note that I haven't actually eaten possum for the same reason I haven't eaten crawfish, and with the same justification. Let me explain what an opposum is. It's a nasty almost hairless animal that lives on a diet of catfood. At night, you shine a light on it and it looks at you with stupid beady black eyes. It then proceeds to use the entire flowerbed as a litterbox. I might mention that possum litter has a distinctive, disgusting, awful, nauseating smell. The smell lasts for days, and comes back when it rains. And occasionally, a father or older sibling will shoot the possum. Even though they are nasty stinky stupid things, shooting them is awful. It makes a mess, too. But enough about the smell and mess.
We cook possums in a variety of ways, so I'll focus on stewing. Stewing is really relatively simple and quick. First, chop up a bunch of vegetables, and add the standard handful of dirt to the pot of boiling water. Walk outside, grab the nearest possum by the tail, and dunk it in the pot. Continue dipping like you?d dip a candle. When the possum quits moving and is coated with three layers of the vegetable sludge, it's ready to eat. Bon appetit.
As I'm running out of time, I'll conclude. Laissez les bon temps rouler! (And for you uneducated peoples: Let the good times roll!) | | |
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